Why are Parents Forcing for Marriage in India?

Are you aware of your age? What are you waiting for? You’re selfish, thinking only about yourself, aren’t you?

Hey… wait, wait. I’m not questioning you, my friend. Those are common and choiceless questions when it comes to parents forcing for marriage in India.

Pre-marriage time is marvelous for some boys and girls and misery for the rest. The main factor involved here is forcing them to marry.

Why does it happen? Is forcing necessary? Is there a way to deal with it?

Come on, let’s discuss the issue.

What Kind of Forcing Are We Talking About?

Forcing marriage can take place both physically and emotionally. Though the emotional level is considered to be normal, it is unfortunate to see the physical expression as beating, binding in the room, etc. In such cases, actions must be based on self-protection for which one may need to take legal support as well.

We are going to talk about the emotional level of forcing to marry. You can even call it emotional blackmail. In India, it is considered to be natural. The Hindustan Times reported that “UK: India a ‘focus country’ for forced marriages“.

Reasons Why Parents Forcing for Marriage in India:

You might have murmured, “Oh! The parents are always like this”. Nothing wrong with it. Even I say the same dialogue to myself occasionally.

It works for silly matters but it won’t in marriage-related issues. That’s why understanding the reasons behind parents’ opinions, suggestions, and actions related to their children’s marriage becomes important.

1. The Sense of Authority:

No doubt, parents are the caretakers right from birth to a stage of life where a child begins to understand the world. They protect and give more importance to children than to themselves.

This process goes on for a decade or two. By that time knowingly or unknowingly, they think that they know everything about their children, like what is good/bad for them, etc.

For Example- parents are the deciders of healthy food, the best suitable dress, the school, and many more for their kids.

When you are in the pre-marriage zone, the same sense of authority makes them force you to get married

Authority exists when the experience and knowledge of a person say “I Know”. This can even be seen in every field of career. So let us not judge it right or wrong for the moment. You and I will be examining all the reasons first and then let’s see what you can do about it.

2. The Way Parents Grew Up:

When you try to convince or argue with your parents, you’re not just talking to human beings but also with the;

• Tradition and Culture
• Organized religious rules and regulations.
• A lot of difficulties they faced in their life and so on.

99.99% of the parents follow what they have thought by the previous generation. There may be things that are worth following and there may be frameworks that are inapplicable for the current realities.

The fed/handed over knowledge generation after generation is not allowing parents to question the truth of all of them. Even if someone tries to do so, the fear of separation from family, friends, and society holds them back. (You may also not exception for this)

All these issues create conflicts when the marriage matter arises at home.

3. Lack of Proper Education:

What does proper education mean?

The modern education system has restricted education only to the formal level.

A proper education implies, not only the accumulation of experience and knowledge but also constantly learning through observation. Such education helps to explore life beyond one’s own defined territory.

In that sense, how well educated our parents are?

This lack of proper education makes parents (or anyone for that matter) stick to what they know and prevents them from looking into new possibilities.

4. Eagerness to Fulfill The Responsibility:

Indian parents’ one of the biggest responsibilities is to find the right person for their son/daughter and successful completion of their marriage without any issues.

Again, why is it so? The one-sentence answer would be “The way of life in India”. It involves family and social systems created to maintain the well-being of humanity. It’s a separate topic altogether. Let us leave it there today.

Parents of a single child feel the responsibility in one way and parents with more than one child feel the intensity of the responsibility in another way.

They are searching for the feeling of satisfaction and freedom that they think they’ll get after their children’s marriage. That causes forcing their children to marry.

5. To Avoid The Difficulty of Facing The Other People:

The other people could be your family members, friends, or society at large.

Generally, in the case of a joint family, there are already tons of problems that exist. The marriage matter becomes an addition to it.

(Related Read: How to Get Rid of Joint Family Problems? )

The parents find it difficult to answer questions from the people who know that they have attained the “magical age of marriage”. Out of those questions, most are baseless and few are based on reality. People who are always ready with proposals approach the parents constantly.

One of the ugly things that people do when they hear of someone postponing marriage is, that they begin to guess or impose some illness or problems on such family, boy or girl. This brings fear to your parents and encourages them to force you to marry as early as possible.

Are you enjoying the read? I hope you do!

6. Due to Bad Health Conditions:

It’s a wish and a dream of most people to actively participate in family functions, especially in good health.

Parents begin to force their children to get married if they face some illness or anyone else who plays an important role in the marriage function. They feel worried about their health in the future and their ability to perform marriage-related work or rituals.

7. To Make Their Children More Responsible:

Here is a smile on my face while writing this point. Because I need to state a disclaimer before discussing this point with you.

That is “I don’t know whether you are responsible or not in the classical sense of that word. Therefore I don’t know whether it applies to you or not. Anyway, take it easy”.

Though it sounds funny, Indian parents do have a contradictory thinking process such as”if their children get married, they become even more responsible and their ability to handle life increases”. This happens with children who are a bit lazy, and live a ‘chilled/cool life’.

What do you think about this point? Have you seen similar happening in your surroundings? Comment below.

8. The Problems or Benefits of Wealth:

Wealth acts as a central point in most marriages in India. Let us divide it into two parts for the sake of understanding;

a. Problems:

Parents with financial problems force their children to get married if they find someone ready to bear all their children’s marriage or other related expenses.

b. Benefits:

Marriages are wealth transaction events rather than happy relationship-building events in many families. In such families, forceful marriage can be seen when the elder members find some “wealthy candidates” who are ‘potentially suitable’ for their children.

9. Similar Aged Children are Already got Married:

Statements like the above are parents’ reminders of your age. If you remember, this article began with a few questions are you aware of your age?

When the children attain the defined age of marriage, parents are worried about the growing age.

Why?

• For Example- Let’s say similar-aged children such as your friends, cousins, classmates, or parents’ friends’ children have already got married. Now if you are not married yet, this gives the parents a feeling like a loser. Because society has set standards for everything be it education, career success, physical beauty, and thousands of other things.
• Biological factors: Along with the growing age, the body undergoes many changes as we know it. The parents are tense about the biological factors that may complicate having a healthy ‘grandchild or grandchildren.

Is this a valid point in parents pressuring you to marry?

10. Parents Strongly Believe that Marriage is a Part of Life:

Though people have different opinions on life superficially, when it comes to an overall view of the life cycle, almost all look at it the same way. That is birth, education, job(career), and the very next thing is marriage. If all these happen the way they think, then life is set.

If you are going to question the whole thing, then they’ll ask what is life if this is not it.

Do you have any answers?

Comment below. I’m curious to know your reply.

11. Issue with The Type of Marriage:

This is a pretty straightforward point.

Arrange marriage, love marriage, and Love cum arrange marriage are the types of marriages in India.

BBC News in its article “What the data tells us about love and marriage in India” has provided the following statistics;

“In a 2018 survey of more than 160,000 households, 93% of married Indians said that theirs was an arranged marriage. Just 3% had a “love marriage” and another 2% described theirs as a “love-cum-arranged marriage”, which usually indicates that the relationship was set up by the families, and then the couple agreed to get married.”

Indian parents try hard to prevent their children from getting into love marriages. The reasons are they don’t know about the boy/girl, their family, the possibility of cast problems, doubt about the maturity to decide of their children, and in India, the type of marriage is associated with manners.

That’s why parents support “arranged marriage” without a second thought.

12. Parents Forces to Marry out of Genuine Care:

It’s hard to find good reasons in the above 10 points that justify the pressurizing activity of parents.

But we can not deny the fact that there is a group of parents who genuinely care about their children.

How can we know that?

• Their thought and actions are moderate about their children.
• They are supportive but they don’t want their children to depend on them for every tiny matter.
• Friendly nature, strictness where it is necessary, acceptance of their mistakes, and being aware of limitations of experience and knowledge are a few more characteristics of such parents.

If similar-natured parents as mentioned above impel their children to get married, there must be some reasons based on reality (like biological factors).

Is this point applicable to you? If yes, still, no one can say with 100% guarantee that their suggestions apply to you. It all depends on how you want your life to be and the decisions you make.

Then what can be done?

Steps to Deal with The Pressure to Get Married:

1. Knowing The Role of Relationships and Marriage:

It helps to present our point before someone when we know exactly what we say, and why we say it.

To put it simply, marriage is an organized process created to strengthen relationships, have an order of living, and establish harmony between human beings.

(Related Read: How to Manage Relationships in Daily Life?)

The ancient Indians who went very deeply into the structure and nature of the human mind have discovered many things. Desires, Pain, and pleasure are the core factors from which the mind acts.

Relationships and marriages are not an exception to this.

Few boys and girls get stuck here between whether to marry or not. The answer will come up only when one understands the positives and negatives of both being in a relationship and leading the life as a single.

For Example- There is a high possibility of facing loneliness in living as a single. On the other hand, relationships are usually complicated. So one must know how to solve relationship problems and work on them.

2. Having Clarity in Oneself:

The first step to getting clarity is to ask questions to oneself. Of course, it’s a tricky thing to do. Because the mind makes us believe whatever we think is right.

Here are some basic questions;

• Do I need to be in a relationship?
• Do I need to marry?
• When do I need to Marry?
• What are the requirements of a successful relationship?
• What’s my nature and what kind of person is suitable for me?

Answers to these questions should not end in a word saying yes or no. You should also know why it’s yes and why you say no.

If you try to solve this in your mind, you get confused after the second or third question that you ask yourself. The better way would be to use a piece of paper and a pen. Because this issue is as important as the career.

3. Trying to Learn and Use The Art of Negotiation:

Once you have the clarity of the role of relationships, marriage, and your needs and requirements, it’s time to convey them to parents, friends, or whoever it may be.

Negotiation is all about connecting what the other person needs with what you want to happen. It doesn’t mean making a fool of somebody. It’s about figuring out how to create a win-win situation.

Every situation may not be favorable to create a win-win situation. In some cases, there may be a need to take legal action. Physical torture or forcing a girl to marry beyond casual care/friendliness is against the law. To know more you can refer to the article “Family pressure of marriage on daughter and Indian laws” by legalserviceindia.com

You have read the post patiently till now. I’m happy about that. That’s why I would like to share a negotiation secret with you.

There is a sales funda which is “If you can bring the answer yes three times from the other person, the answer for your fourth question likely to be yes”.

If you are interested, you can read the book “Never Split The Difference– -negotiating as if Your Life Is Depended on It” by the negotiation master Cris Voss. That may help you.

Conclusion:

Finally, we are done with all the major reasons why parents force their children to marry in India and a few possible steps to solve the issues.

To sum up, the way parents grow up, a sense of authority, responsibility or out of genuine care they pressure children to get married as soon as they attain a defined age. Parents think doing so they can feel satisfied and enjoy a sense of freedom.

Straightaway arguing or trying to convince may not work with parents on this issue. Therefore bringing clarity in oneself, understanding the role of relationships and marriage, and then trying to negotiate in the best possible way may help to find a win-win situation.

Do you have anything to add?

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Have a good time, Cheers!